The Laughter In Between...

  My Mom (who I was so glad to have with me during my first week of recovery from surgery) pointed out that although she could relate to my feelings of woe at heading into reconstruction... that she felt a poignant chapter of the story had been left out of my Blog... the 'elation in between'... and I agree. 

  Once the initial shock of what my body had undergone had sunk in and I saw that I had made it  through... the euphoria took over.  Somewhere in the middle of our laughter and joy of having made it through the surgery, I realized how overwhelming my fears had been and the affect they had on me.  I felt that this was going to be the one thing that was bigger than me... after all the battles I've already fought in my life... Breast Cancer was going to bring me to my knees... crying and saying I just wasn't strong enough to deal with it.  

  Thankfully, I was mistaken... I was strong enough... I made the decisions that I didn't want to make but no one else could for me... and I rid my body of this horrible disease... hopefully for good!  We laughed until I was afraid I was hurting the muscles in my chest, we wrapped me in pink ribbons and took photos... declaring me 'Mrs. Survivor'!  My Mom (at a moment's notice) got on the Clipper ferry and walked into our apartment ready to do whatever had to be done... and then some! :)  My sister drove down from Victoria, filled with support and openness and love... and showered them over me.  David was here, in the kitchen with Mom & Linda; cooking dinners, doing the cleaning, laughing and swimming in the joy of having the surgery behind all of us.  

  I was so grateful just to have an itch scratched under my 'too tight' mastectomy bra, to be able to sit in the bathtub and have David wash my back, to be able to feel well enough to make phone calls/send emails to say 'I Made It'!.  My doctors were amazed at not only how well my body was healing... but at my wonderful, positive attitude... choosing to make this bad time into something positive and keeping my eyes on the end of this journey... focusing on beating this disease and getting back to being 'Me' :)  The day of my being announced as 'Cancer Free'... David, Mom & I drove out to Snoqualmi Falls & North Bend; two places we love... to share them with my Mom and celebrate... 'Life' :)

  Those great moments are certainly all a part of this journey... this roller coaster... I realize my blessings of being beyond Cancer... now I'm riding the track in this rickety cart, on this crazy ride... no longer in fear of free falling to my demise... just holding on for dear life and waiting for it to slow down to a stop... so I can get off... and stroll along calmer paths...

The Other Side...

  Going through the dark and fearful door... 

and emerging on the other side...

With barely an opportunity to catch my breath...

I stand in a daze, wearing my unwanted and slightly scuffed Pink shoes... 

knowing in my heart that I have many more miles to travel in them...

filled with twists and turns...

before I can peel them away from my tired feet. 

Realizing in one fashion or another... 

they will somehow become a part of me and stay with me the rest of my life.

  Temporary, foreign objects within me creating new and unnatural feelings...

pressure, pain, tightness, weight...  

and with them, bringing that all to well known feeling... 

Fear... 

returning to loom over me again.

I vow to myself as I lift my eyes to the new path before me... 

to do all I can not to allow it to lead my way.

  In a quiet pond by the roadside... 

I pause and see my reflection looking back at me.

My body a testament to the war I'm waging... 

the scars I'll bare the rest of my life... 

that the rest of the world will never see.

I do understand that I am to be grateful... as not all escape this battle with their lives... 

Yet I shudder in fear of the new unknown... 

the price I have yet to pay for making it...

here to the other side... 

  And so the Cancer is gone... I've been given a 'clean bill of health'... 

Now I slowly scramble down the rocks...

from the hill of elation the news had taken me to...

and shuffle along in my dusty Pink shoes... 

ill fitting and not a color or style I would ever choose... 

To the valley where I will begin my reconstruction...  

and set out on this leg of my journey... 

Here on the other side... 

Biggest Decision Of My Life...

... and I made the right choice :)  

  My breast surgeon recommended my left breast be removed due to DCIS & ALH.   Faced with a future of unsurity and coping with scans/mammograms/biopsies on my noncancerous breast, which showed several areas of ALH ... I made somehow found the strength to come to the decision to have a bilateral mastectomy.  Today Dr. Lee said she was happy (for the first time since I met her in September, '08) to tell me that she had 'good news' for us. 

  My pathology showed that no other Cancer was found in my breast tissue... they had clear margins of removing what was there... AND... that there was far more ALH in my left breast than she had anticipated.  Dr. Lee told David & I today that after seeing my path reports... she knew beyond a shadow of a doubt that I had made the right decision to have the bilateral.  

  I had already confirmed the decision in my heart and mind... hearing her say those words today still removed a weight from me that words could not begin to explain.  It was like a dark, cold, frightening blanket was literally lifted away from my body.  

  I sit here now and rub my weary eyes... for the first time in what seems like too long a time... recognizing the vast difference between a sigh of anxiety... and a deep, cleansing sigh of relief... 

  Maybe I'll actually sleep tonight... 

  Cancer is behind me... reconstruction and life... straight ahead :)

  Lisa xo

Do You Have 5min 21 sec?

  For me, the most valued action that someone who cares about me can undergo... is to take a few minutes to do a little reading, researching on your own... to try to 'get your head around' what this whole Breast Cancer shituation (no, that's not a typo) 'feels' like.  

  I fully realize that no one (even if you've gone through it with a friend/family member/loved one who has battled the disease) can ever truly 'know' how this feels unless you actually 'live' it... I (from the bottom of the beginnings of my newly constructed boobs) hope that none of you (who aren't already doing so) have to 'live it'.  But maybe in 5min 21 sec to watch the video on the main page of the Young Survival Coalition website ... you could get a better understanding of wearing the 'bright pink shoes'... that nobody wants to wear...

  It's already been wonderful for me to have found this group of women, even though (so far) I've only been to one meeting and barely got to say 'hello' to some of them and introduce myself, before going in form my Bilateral Mastectomy w/Expanders on the day that would have been my second meeting.  I feel I have found some true kindred spirits there, and though I'd wish this disease on none of us... very much look forward to getting to know them better, share our laughter, tears, bravery & fears.  Maybe in a little under 5 1/2 min... you can 'feel' some of that wonderful feeling too... 

  Lisa xo

PS... Mantra for today... in preparation for tomorrow's appointments with Dr. Lee & Dr. Miles... "Lisa... Clear Margins... Lisa... Clear Margins... Lisa... Clear Margins... Lisa..." 

  If you have the extra 'stuff' in you... perhaps you could toss in a "Lisa... Surgical Drains Removed... Lisa... Surgical Drains Removed... Lisa..." BUT only if you have the extra to spare :)  If you don't have the 'extra stuff' No Problem!  The first one is the only one that really matters!! 

Thank you all for 'Chanting' with me :)

If You Want To Be More Loved...

... Be More Lovable! :)

*This note is 'one size fits all' :) and copied from the one I sent today to the YSC (Young Survival Coalition) group that I'm thankful to have found here at Gilda's in Seattle. Please forgive the sloppy formatting but Blogger doesn't seem to like it when I 'copy & paste!*

Hello Ladies :)

 I'm very happy (on this day of Love) to feel well enough to write
you a short note and to send you all some of the overflow of my
'loving cup'... which is 'very thankfully' being filled to the top...
and then some.  David is taking great care of me, my Mom is here from
Victoria and my Sister is on her way (from Victoria) as well.  I can
honestly say 'I've never felt so well loved'... and am very happy to
let you know that I'm actually feeling pretty good :)

 The past few days have been good and bad... fuzzy and clear... but
for the most part... not as bad as I had expected (Wednesday/11 @ 6am
was my 'turning point'). POST EDIT* It's now Tue/Feb/16 and reading this I just now realized my 'worst moment' was actually Thu/12 @ 6am... after my first night back @ home!  Lesson(s) learned: 1) Set alarm for about 3am to take pain meds and do so until you don't need it! and (2) Make sure to take an 'Anti Nausea' pill with your Muscle Relaxer if you're supposed to!!* END OF EDIT FEB/12 My surgery (as you probably already know)
went 'perfectly' and my Sentinel Nodes came back 'clean'... fingers &
toes are crossed for the same news on my breast tissue on
Wednesday/18th... and then I will let out a HUGE BREATH ... and get on
to getting through the rest of this... and not 'back to' but 'on
to'... Being ME :):)

 Hope you are all feeling Love on this day... and looking forward to
(very gently ;) hugging you (at Gilda's and elsewhere) soon!

 Lisa

PS... now David is going to (carefully/without wetting my dressings)
give me a bath... and then Mom is going to wash my hair in the kitchen
sink... Did I mention I was being 'well loved'?? :)

Ready Or Not...

... here I come and there you go!  I never thought I'd have to say 'goodbye' to my boobs... but I just did!  I wondered how I'd feel at this point in the grand scheme of things... I think a lot of people wondered.  I'm happy to report I'm anxious but positive! 

  Today started off on a very great note with receiving the call from Dr. Jones' office this morning letting me know my pathology report came back as 'Benign' (my new favorite word!) for my tissue samples from my Gyn. surgery last week!  

  This afternoon I go to the hospital for my injection for my Sentinel Node Biopsy which will be done at the beginning of my Bilateral Mastectomy tomorrow morning.   The dye is injected in advance and by the time they go in to find the Nodes in surgery tomorrow... they'll be 'glowing' and easy to find!  Let's just hope they're healthy!!  The Node samples will be sent off to pathology while I am in the operating room and (fingers & toes crossed!) will come back without signs of Cancer having passed through.  I have already signed a consent for a complete Auxiliary Node Disection (which is the removal of any and all nodes that can be found) should the Sentinel Nodes come back as positive.  *My belly just did a little flip/flop at the thought.  Should this be the case... I won't even know about it until after I awake from surgery tomorrow afternoon... but I think I'll go back to the promise I made to myself weeks ago... and will worry about that when/if I have to.  If they find any Cancer during the surgery tomorrow that we don't already know about... I'm going to be wishing I could be where I am 'right now'!*  I won't have the pathology report back from the breast tissue until next week.  For now I'm trying very hard to stick to the 'one thing/one day at a time' rule! 

 There's no question that I recognize the level of importance of ridding my body of Cancer over going through the pains (emotionally and physically) to get there.  My focus now is on hearing 'No More Cancer' from my pathology report on my first follow up with Dr. Lee, which I'm already looking forward to on Feb/18th.  I like that I more so see myself 'beyond' the surgery and working my way back to 'Me'... rather than dwelling on the thoughts of what Dr. Miles explained as what will feel like 'an elephant sitting on my chest' for a few days :p  As long as the elephant gets up and moves on at some point!!   

  Once we get through the surgery and back home... I understand the Surgical Drains are the worst of the first week or so.  I think I'm going to have (yikes!) 4 of them :|  But... Like everything else, we'll deal with it in turn.  First things first... get through the surgery and get back Home :)

 Okay... Now's the time to start emitting all the "Healthy, Cancer Free, No Infection,  Fast Draining, Fast Healing" ViBeS you can put out... I've got a wide open, positive heart... ready to catch all of them :)

  Lisa xo

  

No Flower Zone! :)

  Everyone who knows me, knows I LOVE FLOWERS :)  But so does our kitty Lily!  I have to stay on my toes to keep her out of petals and greenery... it's quite amusing as it seems she's 'possessed by wanting them' but I'm not going to have the energy to chase her!  so I'd like to kindly ask that no one send flowers after my surgery:)  I have a beautiful Orchid that I recently received that should keep me supplied with beautiful blooms for weeks!  If you'd like to send a note or email that would be nice... If your bent on 'sending something' ... gift cards from Safeway are good for prescriptions/groceries/flowers :):):)  Of course, no need for anyone to send anything... just knowing you are rooting for me is all I need!!

  So... now we're down to the wire and counting days.  Funny how time can be tricky... want it to hurry - it crawls... want it to slow down - it slips away... in reality, we all know it moves at the same rate, it's just how we deal with it doing its own thing.  In 3 days I'll be getting my injections for my Sentinel Node Biopsy and will be 'radioactive' for a day.  In 4 days we'll be arriving at the hospital at 5:30am to check in for my 7:30 surgery.  I would have thought at this juncture that I would want time to 'stand still'... but actually I'm more of the mind to get it over with and get on with it!  

  Thankfully all went better than I had imagined with my gyn. surgery on Wednesday and I feel quiet well.  I won't know until Monday when I call Dr. Jones' office if they found anything out of the ordinary in my pathology report and I'm not going to worry about it either... I have enough to think about.  For now I'll just call that a done deal and move on to more pressing matters.  

  As far as my bilateral mastectomy and reconstruction, I think I've read and asked all the questions I could and am going into this as informed as I could/should be.  I've been thinking of it as a situation where someone has told me 'You're going to be in a car crash.  It's certainly not going to be fatal, but you're going to get hurt and it's going to take a few months to put things right.  You'll have some pain, it won't be fun... but someday it will be over and done'.  David told me recently that I seem to be very 'matter of fact' about all of this... I don't know how else to be.  I'm trying to accept all of this and be as positive as possible... focusing on everything going as planned (with no surprises!  No More Cancer found in my pathology!) and getting beyond it.

  I'm very thankful to have met and spoken to several women, with various diagnosis of Breast Cancer, in various stages of treatment over the past couple of weeks.  I honestly feel so much better, so much more secure in my decision to have not only the breast where the Cancer was found removed... but also the other breast (which isn't clear either, due to the ALH) and my Sentinel Nodes done at the same time.  I have too many strikes against me to leave this to fate and I do not want to have the dark cloud of worrying about future Breast Cancer to hang over our lives.  

  I think the fear of the unknown is much more difficult to deal with than the reality of discomfort and adjustment... we're just about to cross the bridge between the two... 

  Thank you all for your healthy wishes, thoughts & prayers... we'll keep you posted and hopefully have good news soon!

Lisa xo