I generally start off a new entry here by having a quick read through the last one, sometimes it's difficult to tell without looking at a date... whether it was last week or last month... or in this case... over three months ago. I think one of the (many) reasons I don't post here too often is that if I can hardly stand thinking about this... it leads me to wonder who would want to keep reading about it?! I made a pact with myself to keep all of my 'woe is me' grumblings confined to my (oh I'm soooo thankful for) bi-monthly YSC meetings, and I intend to honor it. Nice thing is... most of my grumblings at the meetings aren't grumblings at all :)
As for an update in the world of my 'breast reconstruction'... it continues... but is going pretty well. Ten days ago I had an 'in office' procedure with Dr. Miles to create nipples out of my skin. DCIS is in the 'ducts' and therefore the Areola & Nipples cannot be spared in surgery, many surgeons say anyone who does leave them in an attempt for 'better' esthetic results, is pretty much defeating the purpose of the surgery in the first place. Since February when I had my bilateral mastectomies, I've been looking at an image of myself that before then had only been seen by me in photographs on plastic surgeon's websites. Though not a 'look' I'd ever aim for, I find it incredible what we can 'accept' when it becomes our 'reality'. A few months before my mastectomies (shortly after my diagnosis, when I was trying to decide what surgery I would have) looking at other women at this stage of reconstruction... literally made me feel ill. I knew that although it was only for 'Me' (and David of course) and that there was the ever present risk of infection... that I wanted to go ahead and have the job 'finished'. Get the 'cherries on the cupcakes' :) so to speak.
After about 2 hours of snipping, stitching and cauterizing... I had two mounds of what we hope will be nubs of scar tissue that won't completely disappear, where before she began her 'magic' were blank canvasses of skin & horizontal scars. This was a good time not to have any sensation, as with a few Lidocaine injections... I felt very little pain. I don't think anyone (other than women who have been in a similar situation) could ever understand the emotional impact (relief/joy/groundedness) of looking down and seeing something more familiar, more like her own body... than she's seen for a long time. I actually shed a little tear of happiness at the sight. Even through the macabre scene of the stitches and reality of the surgical procedure... I had no trouble seeing the beauty of it... the thought occurred to me that it must be what it's like to see a brand new baby :) all bloody and gunky and ... amazing and wonderful :)
This put me back on the grid of antibiotics/no exercise/no showers/daily dressing changes/etc. and as in the past with stitches with me... we'll just watch and see what happens. On my first visit back last Tue, when some of the stitches should have been removed I was told that everything looked 'okay' but that she wanted to give my 'thin skin' more time to settle and heal. I can't imagine why we'd try to rush anything at this juncture? ;) so everything is still pretty much as she left it. No signs of infection and everything seems to be healing! I'm being 'very good'! and following her instructions of no 'sweating/exercising'! That's okay... it's Eggnog time anyhow ;)
Gosh... so much more... I have a JOB!!! I'm working at an artist's supply shop in Sodo called Daniel Smith and really enjoying it! I make no money and have a terrible schedule (work every weekend!) ... and I still like it ;) I started off training in the Frame shop (something I've always wanted to know how to do) and lucked out to be working with one of the coolest people I've ever met :) Somehow the cosmic universe delivered me a 'low stress... there are no art emergencies' guy to train me in the shop and pass on the great skills he has in this trade. I can't imagine how differently this would all be playing out... if I was learning (or trying to) under someone who was stressed and demanding... I can't help but believe that I'm exactly where I'm supposed to be. I've had this feeling before and trust me... I don't have to be reminded to enjoy every minute of it! I am :) I have those 'internal flutterings' of knowing there's some real change happening for me... I believed from the moment that I heard the word 'carcinoma' coming at me through the phone... that this was going to be another one of those big, bad, hard to deal with but worth the pain... 'growing spurts'! Little did I know at the time... just over a year ago... that I would get to really appreciate what it means to 'blossom' :D
Lisa xo
