Light(s) ;) At The End of The Tunnel !

... I just copied this from an email I wrote to my friend Dar this morning... this pretty much sums up today :) Soon I'll fill in the space that was the past week...

I am happy to report that I'm feeling more like 'myself' than I have in a long time... physically and emotionally! It's a tremendous relief to see (and feel!) that these new breasts of mine are very ... 'real' :) I was sure that after the surgery and for the rest of my days that it would be immediately apparent that I had a 'boob job' and had resigned myself to the fact that I was just going to have to deal with it. I worried about being defensive and feeling the need to explain myself... (as I have felt the need to do for most of my life... with no real gain to anyone... including me!). You know, 'Oh, it wasn't by choice... ' blah blah blah... Anyhow... from the way things look now I don't even have to give that a second thought! Everything looks proportionate and fitting and humanlike... and I trust if I take good care it will stay that way :)

That said... I'm off to find another sports bra that fits me so at least I have a couple to rotate for the next month or so. I'm on instructions of 24/7 with a sports bra & compression strap around the base of my new breasts... funny thing is, that might sound uncomfortable... but compared to bare chested with the expanders in there... this feels like A Dream Come True :):)

Lisa xo

No Matter What My Head Tries To Tell My Body...

... it seems to have notions all its own!

On a conscious level... I'm more excited than nervous about my exchange surgery tomorrow, but all week I've been feeling 'less than 100%'. Not really 'sick' but my stomach is queasy, I've got 'bad guts', heart burn, feel tired, and on and on... I toss and turn all night then feel wiped out in the morning. Of course, I understand it's my subconscious having its way with me... and hopefully this will all pass once I shake off the after affects of the anesthesia!

I've been somewhat active on a couple of different Breast Cancer message boards since I got on this ride 10 months ago. Going through the 'stages' one at a time, from pre-mastectomy jitters, to dealing with drain tubes, to fussing about incisions healing (or lack there of) and I've finally made my way to 'Exchange City'! With each step comes its own set of questions/reservations/hopes and I've learned that many women get totally caught up on this one. Will I be too big/too small, what if I don't like the implants, what if my implants are asymmetrical and I think the expanders 'looked' better... and so on... I'm going to take the approach of an 'expectant Mother' and say as long as all the right parts are in the right place... that's enough for me. I've seen results that could stand their own in a horror movie and know when to consider myself fortunate. It's very humbling to see/hear someone who has something to actually cry about when their reconstruction goes wrong for whatever reason... I have all the empathy in the world for these women and thank them for being brave enough to share their stories. It's really kept me in check, kept my perspective of the 'big picture' and where I fit in it... on a fairly level keel.

So... now I've done my duty as a friend and family member, assuring everyone that 'It's Okay... I'll be fine' and thankfully I have David to turn to for my necessary dose of reassurance where he tells me 'It's Okay... You'll be fine... it's almost over'. I smile at his strength and sincerity... my head agrees with him 100% ... and by this time tomorrow... I'm sure the rest of me (complete with tightly bound, new squishy breasts) will be on the road to feeling the same.

Lisa ox