I've Never Been On The Cover Of People Magazine...

Last night I watched a repeat of Christina Applegate's appearance on the Oprah Show.  I was glad that I hadn't seen it when it originally aired a few months ago.  It was amazing to feel so many different emotions... connections as I listened to her and the others on the program.  Nodding my head in all the right places, feeling my own lip quiver as I watched the eyes welling with tears on the screen.  

There were a couple of times that I was really disappointed in not only the lack of preparation on Oprah's part (she had no idea what Christina was talking about when she said she had 'expanders' in her chest) but also at the lack of open information on Christina's actual diagnosis (which I understand to be DCIS).  

My heart was filled with pain for her as I watched her describe how she first learned of her Cancer.  I squirmed in my seat as I felt her discomfort in explaining (what I saw as justifying') her 'Non Invasive Cancer Diagnosis'.  I felt pain for every woman who ever feels the need to explain her decisions, which may seem 'radical' to those who have never had to make the choices.  I mused at the thoughts of how we perceive 'celebrities', often thinking that they are some higher examples of ourselves.  I was ashamed to think that many would feel Christina's Breast Cancer was any more important than any of the audience members (or those viewing at home)... just because she is 'famous'.  

In the end though my feelings were more of gratitude.  Gratitude for Christina Applegate being brave enough to share her story, in hopes that other women will have more awareness, more access to early detection.  Gratitude for Nancy Brinker for devoting her life to her sister's memory in creating a foundation that changed the way the world sees Breast Cancer; Susan B Komen Foundation .  And most of all ... gratitude for finding the lump on my right breast and having it investigated early enough... to find that it was nothing but a harmless cyst... and also uncovering the DCIS in my left breast at the same time... 

Don't Be Afraid of the Big Bad Boobs... errr.. Wolf!

  It never ceases to amaze me that I continue to find myself in foreign waters, wading through this entire Breast Cancer/reconstruction trek feeling lost... at loose ends.  Every time I think that the questions and insecurity are behind me... I realize that I'm still spinning my wheels, trying to find answers, wishing someone else would drive this rig or at the very least, map out the trip for me.  

  I had resolved several months ago that I had to put my trust in my plastic surgeon and follow the path we had chosen and the instructions that went along with it.  Everything seemed to happen so fast when all those decisions were being made.  David & I sat nervously in the exam room, preparing ourselves for our first meeting with Dr. Miles.  One of the doctor's assistants, Candice, a tall, rigid, blond woman came in and spoke to us.  She had me remove my hospital gown and stand wearing my jeans, against the baby blue photographer's backdrop so she could take a photo to record my 'natural breasts'.  She mentioned something about not worrying about my face being in the photo, it would only be my chest/torso, for future reference for the doctor.  I remember wondering 'why would I care if my face was in it'?  She asked about our home; 'do you have pets, any cats'? and went on to elaborate on how cat hair in mastectomy wounds could be tragic!  We'd have to make sure I didn't get any cat hair anywhere near my body after my surgery.  My mind trailed off and from there I could only hear 'wah wah wah' ... How the hell was I going to keep from getting cat hair on me? ... It's unreal the things you worry about... when you have so many things to really worry about.  

  As soon as Dr. Miles came in the room I had an immediate feeling of 'Organic Calm'.  I'm not sure exactly what that means?  Just a sense of being in the presence of a 'real person'.  There was nothing fancy or 'plastic' about her.  She seemed to have a good balance of compassion and professionalism.  Her overall appearance was anything but 'plastic' and I for whatever reason found it very soothing to know I was putting my care in the hands of someone who made a living from making people look like Ginger... yet she chose to be a MaryAnn.  We spoke about my natural breasts, which she referred to as 'perfect' (symmetrically speaking)... well perfect, aside from the DCIS.  

  She took some measurements and from then on our conversations regarding breasts were no longer focused on the 'perfect' ones that Mother Nature had given me... but the 'new, exactly as I wished them to be' breasts that she was going to create for me.  We agreed that with my body structure, that having larger breasts would not only be flattering but also very well suited to my dimensions.  All these years I've been saying 'My ribs are too big'... turns out my ribs were fine and my breasts were too small.  And as fate would have it, that was about to change.  And finally someone was going to start making some decisions for me or at least help me decide for myself.  

  And now I find myself, almost 3 months after my mastectomies, wondering who is making the decisions and if in fact... who exactly is at the wheel?  With all of the frustration of my skin opening I think I fell off the program of putting my trust in Dr. Miles hands.  I started wondering if she really did know what was best for me.  As my shape started noticeably changing, I started listening to 'other people's opinions' and became unsure of my own feelings regarding our (mine & Dr. Miles) decision on our ultimate goal for size/structure of my breast reconstruction.  A week ago I told her that I wanted to deter from the plans she had laid out for me and stop the expander fills sooner than planned.  I was afraid of making the wrong decision, afraid of not being given the approval, that up until this point... I didn't even realize I wanted/needed.  

 I see now that in my haste to hurry up and wait, I had neglected to not only be sure I was doing what I wanted regarding my reconstruction, but also forgot to ask the questions that certainly needed answers.  I need to assure myself that I am educated well enough to take the best care possible during my 'settling time'.  Can I go swimming?  Will the same incisions be reopened for the exchange surgery?  Am I restricted from exercising my Pectoral muscles until (and beyond) the exchange surgery?   What kind of massage can I do to keep scar tissue from forming?  

  I suppose fear/insecurity is the wolf that's always at our door... it's up to us to feed it and have it hang around... or ignore it and shut it outside... keeping it at bay. Or better still, teach ourselves what we need to know to keep us from hearing the scratching in the back of our minds.  I think it's time to stop feeding the wolf and get back to nurturing myself. 

 

Done... Done... On To The Next One...

(Foo Fighters lyrics for those of you who aren't fans :)

  And All My Life is what it seems... done with one (fill in the blank) and on to the next one.  We were joking with the kids this weekend when they asked 'Are we there yet'?  Our answers string into a comical game of 'Here and There' between the four of us as we clock on another 200 miles in a weekend on David's truck.  

  'We are here' David will say.  I'll chime in 'When we were back there, we couldn't wait to get here... when it was there and there was here and now we're here and still wondering when we'll get there'.   We all laugh and the kids play along with the game... but upon (grown up!) reflection... I really would like to learn better to be 'Here' and enjoy it ... rather than always racing ahead in my mind to be 'There' only for 'There' to become here and find myself wanting to go 'There'.   :)

  That said... I've passed a Big Milestone in my reconstruction!  The expander fills are DONE!  and I will not have to go back to see my plastic surgeon until early August to have my exchange surgery done.  In the meantime I will be thankful that my skin has finally settled down and I'm no longer dealing with daily dilemmas of 'blisters/draining/and fear of infection' *huge sigh of relief*!!  I have been spending some time on a message board where members are able to share stories and photos of their journey with Breast Cancer.  I have learned beyond doubt that my situation could be far worse... in dealing with a similar diagnosis and far less success with healing after surgery.  I've seen some results and read some stories that make my experience look like  walk in the park.  I've taken the hit on the head and will keep my mind focused on my good fortune!  

  I now will spend the next three  months taking care of my still healing and 'expanding' skin.  I still can't even imagine how great it will feel to have the implants in my chest instead of what now is akin to 'turtle shells' (I think my friend Liz after a recent feel of my expanders, said they felt like 'plastic tubs' haha) ... but I'll leave that for when I get there... for now I'll be happy to be here.  To be well... and without fear of Breast Cancer.  

  I was inspired recently by a book called 'The Victoria Secret Catalogue Never Stops Coming... And Other Lessons I Learned From Breast Cancer' by Jennie Nash and have decided to start writing my first book :)  I had a few emails back and forth with Jennie and shared my gratitude and plans to put my story on paper.  She was encouraging and suggested that I might even like to take some writing classes at UCLA that she gives.  I thought LA would be a long commute for school... and in my general fashion... I like to learn more by the 'sink or swim' method... and so I shall jump in and see if I can keep myself afloat.  

  I believe my experience with Breast Cancer is just that 'My Own'... but I also know that if other women shared what they learned in going through these difficult times... the journey could become a little easier for others.  I hope that by telling my tale... that maybe someone else won't feel as alone.  Maybe I can help other women get 'There' ... while still being present 'Here'.  

Lisa :)