When I first started learning about DCIS, I was very confused to read women's stories, telling others that they felt 'wrong' about shedding tears and worrying themselves and their families so much over something that wasn't even really 'Cancer'. They would talk about how some people referred to DCIS as a 'pre-cancer' or how they were told by a doctor or read somewhere on the Internet that it was a 'Cancer of sorts... but not one of the big bad ones' and they should feel lucky that was all they had.
I couldn't imagine how anyone could possibly be trying to deal with an illness and at the same time feel like it would be something they would have to make light of. Over the past few weeks, I have come to understand first hand what these women were talking about and I have felt the pain and confusion. I go from not wanting to tell anyone about this to wanting to tell people I don't even know. When the checker at Safeway asks 'Would you like to donate a dollar to Breast Cancer research'? it almost seems as though she should be able to look into my eyes and see the answer.
Today David & I met with the breast surgeon. The first thing she said (after saying 'hello' to me and introducing herself to David) was... 'You may have heard some people wrongly refer to DCIS as a 'pre-cancer'. It is a Cancer, it's not a type that's going to kill you ... but you have to do something about it. We went over all that's happened so far, discussed the fact that I'm not now nor likely ever going to have an MRI so we have to go about gathering whatever information there is without one. I thought today was going to be a day of 'answers' but it really just opened up more questions.
One thing that was presented to us is the option of having genetic testing done to find out if I carry the BRCA1 or BRCA2 gene. I still have lots to learn on the subject but from what I understand, knowing whether I carry one or both of the genes could help me decide what form of treatment to opt for. IF I don't carry the genes... and IF the excisional biopsy (which I will be having soon on my right breast comes back as negative for Cancer)... then a lumpectomy on the Cancerous site on the left side and an additional excisional biopsy on the second site (where there are microcalcifications and have had a needle biopsy but no Cancer was found) would be done with follow up of radiation and possibly medication. IF they can't get clear margins on the lumpectomy or IF they find additional DCIS in the left breast... then there would be no question as to whether I should have the left breast removed. IF I have the genetic testing done and it comes back positive for either or both markers or if the biopsy on the right side comes back as positive for Cancer... then the conversation will move to a bilateral mastectomy.
There are a lot of 'IFS' in my life right now and I've never been a big fan of 'IFS'. One thing that was made very clear to me today is that I do have Breast Cancer. I don't want it, am not sure how to deal with it but I know I have to. I can't try to hide this and I certainly don't want to try to hide behind it.
So... sitting in front of me I have a folder filled with information on the biopsy I'll be having soon and contact information for a gene specialist and a couple of plastic surgeons. I've already closed my eyes a few times and tried to wish it all away... but I just opened my eyes again and the pink folder with the ribbon is still staring me in the face... no matter how much I try to deny 'IT'... this isn't just going to go away...
3 comments:
Lis-we love you here.
Annette walked for Breast Cancer on Sunday, and they all raised over 28 million (in Canada). It's one small part.
Love Love Love.
xox
....and I love you here :)
Babs xoxo
Hi Lisa:
It’s a blast from the past. It’s me, Dar, your long lost friend from PEI. Recently, Lori MacRae Unruh and I have been keeping in touch, and yesterday she directed me to your web site blog. Well needless to say, I was fairly shaken up after reading about your experience. I simply couldn’t write you yesterday as I too emotionally charged. Your style of writing is incredible Lisa, and you made me feel that I was somehow with you. I think you have a gift.
There is nothing I can say in such a time of uncertainty, especially at this early stage. I’m not big on sorrow or sympathy, as I don’t think it helps anyone, but I am big on fighting. I think the anticipation, and the “roller coaster” of emotions that one goes through during life’s crisis is worse than the crisis itself. What I am trying to say, Lisa, is that you are a fighter, and it sounds like you have a great life in Seattle, a wonderful caring husband and a lot to fight for. I want you to know that I am rooting for you!
As I was reading through your blog, I couldn’t help but think of us hanging out in PEI. We were so young and restless weren’t we? I almost forgot about your operation, but it all came flooding back. I can’t believe you were only 15. All I really remember is you being bald and sporting a really cool scar. I don’t really remember any details, not even why you had the operation, or any further details.
It’s funny how life works. We were young and wild, probably more than the average in our neighbourhood ;-) Then, all of a sudden, here we are in our forties, with all the glory that comes with aging. If it makes you feel any better, I have lost a third of my teeth. Never mind, that wouldn’t make you feel any better. I just thought I would throw a little humour your way. I just had 9 implants ($40,000 later). My entire life savings. Let’s just say I’m not a fan of the dentures. Sure they have their advantages, such as grossing the kids out at the supper table, but other than that they are horrific.
I am also sorry to hear about your struggle with the insurance company. If it comes down to it, would you be able to come back to Canada? I just watched Michael Moore’s documentary, SICKO, and it was an eye-opener. You certainly don’t need the financial stress on top of everything. We could always sic mom on them. She is relentless and would leave them begging for mercy;-)
I haven’t been the best to keep in touch with people through the years Lisa, but I want you to know that you were a big part of my childhood and that you hold a special place in my heart, and I will be following your story closely should you choose to continue with it.
As a side note, my biological brother kept a blog of his cancer story, and I know he found it very helpful. I say “biological brother” because we only found out about him about 10 years ago (yes, he was a full brother but that is a story for another day). Sadly, Pat lost his fight against Cancer, but it was a different type (Colon to Liver), and unfortunately despite his best efforts, it was too late by the time he found out, and it wasn’t in the cards to win the battle. I, for one, am glad you didn’t decide to hide behind the Cancer. I know Pat was glad that he wrote about his feelings, and I also know that his family and friends were grateful. Pat was a radio announcer in Montreal, and had a great sense of humour. I know he touched many people. His blog has been published into a book.
I will follow your blog and look forward to staying in touch. If you prefer to email me, you can reach me at artline@accesscable.net
I would love to talk to you anytime.
Love Dar
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