{Lunch at Lake Ann, North Cascades, WA}
How was your weekend?
How about that Barack Obama?
How about those Seattle Seahawks? (well... *cringes* maybe not that :p )
I think in my last post I alluded to the fact that the next thing I was going to write here was going to be a 'rant' of some sort... or at least a 'steam blowing session'. Maybe the rant has passed, maybe it's just on hold... I'm pretty sure the latter is true.
I've been thinking a lot and talking to some people about how difficult it is (on both sides of the situation) to know 'what to say'. When the truth is, things don't really have to be much different than they were before as far as ongoing 'chit chat' goes. I certainly don't expect that every time I speak to someone that they have to 'inquire' on my physical/mental status regarding my Cancer. *Doesn't it suck when someone says the word CANCER out loud... or even in text!?* Nor do I want others to expect that I have to give them a full report every time we converse. It's just a FACT... a part of the picture... not the whole scene. (on second thought... maybe this is the rant... or one of them? :p )
I've had people coming out of the woodwork (no offence meant) and people that are usually around staying away (again, no offence) since I first got this diagnosis and though I find it odd, upon introspection... I guess I do the same. I tend to shy away from people in difficult situations and am guilty of contacting someone I know to have had (and successfully dealt with!) Breast Cancer recently, whom I had not contacted in ages... so I guess I've worn all the shoes myself. But this is the first time I've worn these shoes in particular. And having done so I now know... this is one of those things that you have 'NO IDEA' of until you are 100% in the shituation (no, that's not a typo!).
I've got people downplaying this saying "Well at least it's not Cancer-Cancer... it's only Cancer" and people upselling it acting like they are afraid I'm at Death's Door... in the meantime I feel like this is just a FACT... something that falls into the 'Life Happens' category and I have no alternative but to deal with it. I see this as neither trivial nor monumental (well... sometimes monumental) and realize that I will get through this... I will 'Live Through This' (I think that's what I'll call that book I'm going to write someday?!). It's not the end of this that's going to hurt... it's the getting through it.
At first I was always waiting for the day the 'other shoe would drop' and I'd know what's really going on. The day I'd have the information put before me and it would all become crystal clear what the treatment would be... now I'm not sure that day will ever come... or not any time soon anyhow. This all seems to be a series of this leads to that and changes this and wait and see what becomes of this to sort out what to do about that.
Right now I'm caught between wanting to take each and every step to know exactly what's going on and saying let's just cut to the chase and get to the cutting. I now fully, completely understand why some women, even with only gene testing and no testing that shows growth of specific Breast Cancer of any sort, to decide to go the route of the mastectomies. If they (I) decide to go the minimal route and opt for lumpectomy with radiation (if that's even going to be an option)... then there is always the chance of the same type of Cancer or a more invasive type in the same breast (or the other one) in the future (% of chance of having a future diagnosis of Breast Cancer down the road increases if you've ever had one). If you've had radiation and then later need to have a mastectomy... the chances of a successful reconstruction is reduced due to the damage done to the tissue (radiation burns/damages cells and after having treatments the skin doesn't stretch as it did before). Not to mention... how many surgeries do you want on one breast in one lifetime... especially when your breasts are as 'dainty' :) as mine?!
Left up to me (which in actuality it is)... I'd say let's do the whole thing right now bilateral mastectomy and take me down to a 2% chance of ever having another Breast Cancer (go figure, even with no breasts it can invade you!)... yet here I am awaiting a biopsy. Why, you ask... because I think that's what is what would seem like the rest of the world would expect me to do. To me it seems like if I decided on a more radical approach, I would seem ... well ... radical. Some days I wish the diagnosis was worse and that I was just being told what had to be done... instead of the one responsible for making all the decisions. I know... I should be thankful that things aren't any worse... in reality (rationally) I am very much so.
And the other reason I'd like to just get it all over with now and get it done for good... the taboo subject... $$!! Funny that it's so crass to talk about money and health in the same sentence; after all... your health is much more important than any amount of money. Well... currently the insurance company is rejecting every submission from any and all care givers I've seen thus far. Between August 13th when I had my first 'Full Physical Checkup' in the US and yesterday that had amassed to the tune of about $15,000.00 and I haven't even had a 'surgery' yet!! Every time there is a doctor visit (about $300.00 a pop) or a needle biopsy ($7,200.00) or an excisory biopsy ($I'm scared to even find out)... it all adds to the pile. David has scheduled a meeting with the rep from the insurance company on this coming Thursday morning and hopefully it will be decided that this is not a 'pre-existing' condition and at least 'some' of this will be covered... but still, it's all going to have to get paid for someday. All those 'collector item Pearl Jam posters'under the bed might come in handy for a 'virtual garage sale' someday soon!!
*I think my steam engine just ran out* :p
So... I don't know what you say to someone who has Cancer... but that's probably a full heaping helping of what someone with Cancer would like to be able to say to the world. Most days it's just business as usual, some days... when it's been a little while since there's been an doctor visit or a test or a statement in the mail... it almost feels like this isn't really happening at all. We just spent two days being dazzled by Mother Nature's landscaping skills in the North Cascades and I enjoyed one of the best weekends of my life. I know there's going to be some physical pain coming at me in the future... if I'm lucky, it won't be too bad... for some people it's not that bad at all and I'm pretty good at biting the bullet when I know it's going to be over at some time or other. For right now I feel physically fine and am taking advantage of it.
Anyhoo... the weekend was awesome! Obama is much less scary than McCain, I hope he gets into office and I wish I had the right to vote!! The Seahawks... um... ask David. On second thought... scratch that ;) Maybe my next entry will be called: 'What Do You Say To A Seahawks Fan'? :p
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