Bee Girl... Be A Girl...

Check Your Boobies! 

... "You know time is long, and life is short, begin to live while you still can

Believe in nothing, believe me, those who can be trusted can change their mind The anxious is the present, unwrap your gifts, take your time Everything you imagined, needn't be stuck in your mind Bee Girl, be a girl"

I'm going to be a 'B' Girl.  

  For years I have loved the song 'Bee Girl' by ... you guessed it... Pearl Jam!  I never thought my being a 'Bee Girl' would mean 'B Cup'... :) but I'm more than aware that life doesn't always turn out as you expected!  and so at this juncture of my Breast Cancer journey... my skin has finally decided it is ready to heal and move on, get back to the 'reconstruction' phase and I am indeed... going to have 'New, larger, artificial Breasts'!  

  The first person (and perhaps only person) who needs to truly accept this... is 'ME'.  

  I've learned along the way, since first starting this trek last September, that there are many stages of progress/regress in navigating one's way through diagnosis, acceptance and treatment.  With each step there seems to be a myriad of psychological emotion twisters.  And as I enter and recognize each step... figure out how to navigate the figurative 'road blocks'... I seem to gain a little more belief in myself as well as gratitude for the supportive relationships I have in my life.  The one I'm navigating now is how I will ingest and respond to people's reaction to seeing the physical change in my appearance.  

  So far it's been interesting for people to see me for the first time since having my breasts removed.  Even from the moment my initial bandages were peeled away, when fully clothed, I maintained a physical appearance very similar to what I always have.  With the immediate reconstruction started at the time of my mastectomies, the expanders in my chest created 'mounds' that were (although misshapen) close to the same size as my breasts.  For all intents and purposes... when covered by a shirt, obstructing the view of bruises, stitches, surgical drains, etc.... I pretty much looked like 'Me'.   Today, 73 days after the surgery, with 360 cc's of saline in each of the 'plastic sacs' in my chest (which will elevate to 450 cc's over the next 10 days... if all goes well)... I still look like 'Me' but it's an undeniably different shape than I've ever been before!  It is a physical change that I am choosing... and because I'm still in the process of accepting the decision myself... it seems I am going to have to work very hard at accepting other's perception of my appearance as well... so many lessons to learn :)

  I often like to come up with analogies to express the current situation in an easily digested manner.  For this one I was thinking that if it were a 'different... less sexually charged' area of the body... it would be perceived very differently by many.  Let's say it was my Legs.  I had a disease in my legs that dictated they be amputated.  For conversation sake let's say 'Leg Amputation and Reconstruction' is a common occurrence.  I'm told by my surgeon that after the amputation I'll be able to work with a Plastic Surgeon to create new legs as I would like them to be.  They'll never be my 'real legs' but the good part is that they will look/feel/function pretty much like my old ones... and I have the 'prize at the end of the journey' of being able to have 'the legs of my dreams'!!  I can't imagine I'd choose short ones with veins, cellulite and knobbly knees... I'm pretty sure I'd opt for the long, smooth, lean 'runner' models!  

  But it's not legs... it's breasts... and I've decided that since I had to go through the physical and emotional pain of giving up the ones that Mother Nature gave me... and now I've been given the opportunity to choose...  why not choose 'Dream Boobs' ?  :)   And it goes around and around in my head... as I again question myself... question my decision.  Defensiveness is born out of fear... out of questioning one's own choices.  

But you know time is long and life is short... begin to live while you still can... 

B Girl... Be a Girl...  ;)