Monday/Dec/22 was supposed to be the day that I would meet with Dr. Lee and initiate the plan to have my bilateral mastectomy and reconstruction with breast implants. Three days before this, I sat and read through the 'Timeline For Expansions' given to me by the plastic surgeon. I got about half way through and it struck me like a lead hammer... 'This is actually ME this is all happening to and this is going to go on for months'... I panicked!! My brain screaming 'WE CAN'T HANDLE ALL THIS'!!! I mean really... there must be some kind of a 'cap' or threshold on what people are supposed to be able to manage in any given period of time. The past 14 months have had enough 'LIFE' in them... for any one couple... to have lasted 14 years! And this is just the beginning of this 'slice of life'!
With the weather as it is and Seattle seeing the most snow/worst conditions in 10 years... public transit is a mess and I was getting ready to try to make my way to Cherry Hill on Monday morning, about 4 hours before my appointment at 3pm. My head was a blur... I was thinking 'I'll tell her I've decided against the mastectomies... no reconstruction... no implants! Let's just do the lumpectomy and biopsy the other area... no radiation... no drugs... no nothing. I need to get this out of me and get back to living my life... get a job... be a productive part of this family... be 'myself' again. Then my phone rang and I was informed that Dr. Lee was stuck in California due to weather in Seattle and wouldn't be able to see me until after the New Year.
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*shakes head*
Okay, so I have a small nervous breakdown. My sister Tanya tells me I should have at least one a day! 'Just hang a sign that says "Having Nervous Breakdown... Be Back When I'm Done", then let it all out, give yourself a kick in the butt and get back to looking after whatever needs to be looked after'. Probably good advice, I'm sure the 'explosions' would be smaller if I had lots of them instead of saving them up for a 'Grand KaPow'.
Yesterday I got a copy of the letter that Dr. Resta (the geneticist) sent to Dr. Lee with his findings on my BRCA testing. In the letter he states that even though my results were 'normal' that with my current Cancer and my family history of Cancer that he feels it is the best course of action for me to have a mastectomy. And again I'm reminded of the severity of the situation I'm in and that I need to do what is best for me medically... not just opt for the simplest procedure only to find myself back in a similar (or worse) situation in another year.
I've decided that it's probably for the best that my appointment with Dr. Lee was canceled and I'm going to go 'HOME' and spend some time with my family... with my Mom. Since my eyes well up with tears... just at typing that... I'm pretty sure it's an indication that I really need to go. I guess there is no age limit on needing some 'Mom Time' :)
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