YOU are NOT Alone...

What do you see when you look at this photo? A group of women, smiling, close, happy, enjoying each others company. What you can't see by looking at this photo... Breast Cancer. These are the women (some of them!) of the Seattle affiliate of the Young Survival Coalition. What you can't detect in the photo is various stages of surgeries, chemotherapy, radiation... fear, hope, trials, tribulations... you cannot see any of that, but you can see the LOVE, the WARMTH, the SISTERHOOD :)

We come from every imaginable background, from one end of the spectrum to the other. Various beliefs, education, financial status... some married, some not, some mothers, some not, some at risk of (or already beyond) losing the ability to have children as a spin out result of their Breast Cancer...

What we all do have in common is a diagnosis of some type of Breast Cancer and what we have as a group is a force beyond any other I have ever encountered. We all have different stories, different realities... I like to say "We're all in the same ocean, but have boats entirely of our own"... but in our daily struggles of keeping afloat amid the often tumultuous waters of treatment, we have each other. The bond, the strength, the hope that spreads with this commonality is one that continues to amaze me, and one that I'm very grateful for. Hearing the words 'You have Breast Cancer' throw you into an undertow where you may feel alone and drowning... I'd like to throw out a lifeline... one that I can't imagine having to have gone through this without.

To contact the Young Survival Coalition:

Email: yscseattle@youngsurvival.org
Direct phone: 866-541-1972 ext 4
Website: http://www.youngsurvival.org/seattle

To learn more about YSC National: www.youngsurvival.org

364 Days Ago...

I sat in this very spot, looking at the snow piling up outside our West Seattle window... through tear filled eyes... trying to get my head around what lay in front of us. Deconstructions, reconstructions, looking for Cancer lurking in other parts of my body... wondering how not only could I get through this... but if my Husband of just 10 months would be there with me... when I reached the other side.

This morning I look out at the green grass on the school playground... the sun rising, pink daylight... kissing the clouds 'Good Morning'... I think about all that's happened over the past year, the fear and hope and tears and laughter and realize with a sigh of relief... that we are almost at the end of this leg of our personal 'Amazing Race'. I know there will be other trials and tribulations... *shrugs* that's what Life is all about! but I don't mind admitting that I'm very happy to put this part to rest.

Do I worry that the 2% chance I have of having another 'Breast Cancer' in my life time... will it be the 100% of 2%? No more than I worry about getting hit by a bus... or lightening... or Cancer ravaging some other part of my body. We're all dying... we start dying the moment we are born. The trick is not to waste precious Life... pondering how we will (and we all will) one day lose it.

This Christmas I will be present... not worrying about the future... or regretting the past... just 'here' soaking in everything around me, truly realizing how rich my life is with 'gifts' every day. I have all I want and none of it could be wrapped in paper and tucked under a tree, I have the most precious gifts of all... Peace, Love, Health and Soundness in my heart... I wish everyone the same :) My wonderful husband is indeed not only by my side... but on my side! and I on his!! As we embark on the continuing journey that is our life together, he prepares for the challenge of climbing Mt. Rainier to raise money for Breast Cancer Research... and though I won't actually be beside him on the climb, I will be doing everything I can to make it all happen... and will always be on his team!

Lisa xo

David's Taking the Challenge!!

... and joining the Fred Hutchinson Research Center's 'Climb To Fight Breast Cancer'!! Click here

http://climb4cure.blogspot.com/ to visit his blog!! We'll be doing all we can to round up donations over the next few months and hope that you will be a part of him reaching his goal!

Yeah!! GO DAVID!!!! :D

Filling up the empty Canvass...

I generally start off a new entry here by having a quick read through the last one, sometimes it's difficult to tell without looking at a date... whether it was last week or last month... or in this case... over three months ago. I think one of the (many) reasons I don't post here too often is that if I can hardly stand thinking about this... it leads me to wonder who would want to keep reading about it?! I made a pact with myself to keep all of my 'woe is me' grumblings confined to my (oh I'm soooo thankful for) bi-monthly YSC meetings, and I intend to honor it. Nice thing is... most of my grumblings at the meetings aren't grumblings at all :)

As for an update in the world of my 'breast reconstruction'... it continues... but is going pretty well. Ten days ago I had an 'in office' procedure with Dr. Miles to create nipples out of my skin. DCIS is in the 'ducts' and therefore the Areola & Nipples cannot be spared in surgery, many surgeons say anyone who does leave them in an attempt for 'better' esthetic results, is pretty much defeating the purpose of the surgery in the first place. Since February when I had my bilateral mastectomies, I've been looking at an image of myself that before then had only been seen by me in photographs on plastic surgeon's websites. Though not a 'look' I'd ever aim for, I find it incredible what we can 'accept' when it becomes our 'reality'. A few months before my mastectomies (shortly after my diagnosis, when I was trying to decide what surgery I would have) looking at other women at this stage of reconstruction... literally made me feel ill. I knew that although it was only for 'Me' (and David of course) and that there was the ever present risk of infection... that I wanted to go ahead and have the job 'finished'. Get the 'cherries on the cupcakes' :) so to speak.

After about 2 hours of snipping, stitching and cauterizing... I had two mounds of what we hope will be nubs of scar tissue that won't completely disappear, where before she began her 'magic' were blank canvasses of skin & horizontal scars. This was a good time not to have any sensation, as with a few Lidocaine injections... I felt very little pain. I don't think anyone (other than women who have been in a similar situation) could ever understand the emotional impact (relief/joy/groundedness) of looking down and seeing something more familiar, more like her own body... than she's seen for a long time. I actually shed a little tear of happiness at the sight. Even through the macabre scene of the stitches and reality of the surgical procedure... I had no trouble seeing the beauty of it... the thought occurred to me that it must be what it's like to see a brand new baby :) all bloody and gunky and ... amazing and wonderful :)

This put me back on the grid of antibiotics/no exercise/no showers/daily dressing changes/etc. and as in the past with stitches with me... we'll just watch and see what happens. On my first visit back last Tue, when some of the stitches should have been removed I was told that everything looked 'okay' but that she wanted to give my 'thin skin' more time to settle and heal. I can't imagine why we'd try to rush anything at this juncture? ;) so everything is still pretty much as she left it. No signs of infection and everything seems to be healing! I'm being 'very good'! and following her instructions of no 'sweating/exercising'! That's okay... it's Eggnog time anyhow ;)

Gosh... so much more... I have a JOB!!! I'm working at an artist's supply shop in Sodo called Daniel Smith and really enjoying it! I make no money and have a terrible schedule (work every weekend!) ... and I still like it ;) I started off training in the Frame shop (something I've always wanted to know how to do) and lucked out to be working with one of the coolest people I've ever met :) Somehow the cosmic universe delivered me a 'low stress... there are no art emergencies' guy to train me in the shop and pass on the great skills he has in this trade. I can't imagine how differently this would all be playing out... if I was learning (or trying to) under someone who was stressed and demanding... I can't help but believe that I'm exactly where I'm supposed to be. I've had this feeling before and trust me... I don't have to be reminded to enjoy every minute of it! I am :) I have those 'internal flutterings' of knowing there's some real change happening for me... I believed from the moment that I heard the word 'carcinoma' coming at me through the phone... that this was going to be another one of those big, bad, hard to deal with but worth the pain... 'growing spurts'! Little did I know at the time... just over a year ago... that I would get to really appreciate what it means to 'blossom' :D

Lisa xo

Booby Prize...

(Wikipedia Entry)

A booby prize is a joke prize usually given in recognition of a terrible performance or last-place finish. A person who finishes last, for example, may get a booby prize such as a worthless coin. Booby prizes are sometimes humorously and jokingly coveted as an object of pride.

Booby prizes, however, may not be given just to those who just have a terrible performance. At times, booby prizes can be given to all non-placing participants of a competition.

It's been more than a month since I've posted here and I suppose I'd consider the in between 'settling time'. I was hoping (and continue to hope) that I will adjust and accept what continues to feel foreign to me. That's not really an accurate description of what I feel... because a big part of the problem is that I really don't 'feel' at all. With the DCIS/ALH/ADH that was removed from my body... along went the tissue, fat and most importantly, the nerve endings that allowed tactile sensation to travel from the skin of my breasts to my brain... sending messages of touch and temperature. Ironically enough, there seems to be no shortage of the sensations of pain I feel, not on the surface but deep in my chest wall... along with never ending 'pings and pains' in various areas of my breasts, which I keep trying to convince myself is signs of nerve regeneration. In actuality... I have no idea what causes it.

My breast surgeon had made it crystal clear to me that I would lose tactile sensation to my breasts and that it was part of the price paid to rid breasts of cancerous cells. That sounded like a fair exchange at the time and even now when I think of it in a logical sense, the trade is certainly a worthwhile one. The doctors did their jobs now it's time for me to do mine and move my focus to the positive aspects of having dealt with Breast Cancer.

This week my brother lost a good friend in a tragic car accident, the kids ventured back to school, I got to spend the weekend with my best friend, relaxing and enjoying great music... The big wheel keeps on turning. Time to thank the universe that I'm here to accept the 'booby prize'... adjust... accept... and carry on...

Lisa ox

Light(s) ;) At The End of The Tunnel !

... I just copied this from an email I wrote to my friend Dar this morning... this pretty much sums up today :) Soon I'll fill in the space that was the past week...

I am happy to report that I'm feeling more like 'myself' than I have in a long time... physically and emotionally! It's a tremendous relief to see (and feel!) that these new breasts of mine are very ... 'real' :) I was sure that after the surgery and for the rest of my days that it would be immediately apparent that I had a 'boob job' and had resigned myself to the fact that I was just going to have to deal with it. I worried about being defensive and feeling the need to explain myself... (as I have felt the need to do for most of my life... with no real gain to anyone... including me!). You know, 'Oh, it wasn't by choice... ' blah blah blah... Anyhow... from the way things look now I don't even have to give that a second thought! Everything looks proportionate and fitting and humanlike... and I trust if I take good care it will stay that way :)

That said... I'm off to find another sports bra that fits me so at least I have a couple to rotate for the next month or so. I'm on instructions of 24/7 with a sports bra & compression strap around the base of my new breasts... funny thing is, that might sound uncomfortable... but compared to bare chested with the expanders in there... this feels like A Dream Come True :):)

Lisa xo

No Matter What My Head Tries To Tell My Body...

... it seems to have notions all its own!

On a conscious level... I'm more excited than nervous about my exchange surgery tomorrow, but all week I've been feeling 'less than 100%'. Not really 'sick' but my stomach is queasy, I've got 'bad guts', heart burn, feel tired, and on and on... I toss and turn all night then feel wiped out in the morning. Of course, I understand it's my subconscious having its way with me... and hopefully this will all pass once I shake off the after affects of the anesthesia!

I've been somewhat active on a couple of different Breast Cancer message boards since I got on this ride 10 months ago. Going through the 'stages' one at a time, from pre-mastectomy jitters, to dealing with drain tubes, to fussing about incisions healing (or lack there of) and I've finally made my way to 'Exchange City'! With each step comes its own set of questions/reservations/hopes and I've learned that many women get totally caught up on this one. Will I be too big/too small, what if I don't like the implants, what if my implants are asymmetrical and I think the expanders 'looked' better... and so on... I'm going to take the approach of an 'expectant Mother' and say as long as all the right parts are in the right place... that's enough for me. I've seen results that could stand their own in a horror movie and know when to consider myself fortunate. It's very humbling to see/hear someone who has something to actually cry about when their reconstruction goes wrong for whatever reason... I have all the empathy in the world for these women and thank them for being brave enough to share their stories. It's really kept me in check, kept my perspective of the 'big picture' and where I fit in it... on a fairly level keel.

So... now I've done my duty as a friend and family member, assuring everyone that 'It's Okay... I'll be fine' and thankfully I have David to turn to for my necessary dose of reassurance where he tells me 'It's Okay... You'll be fine... it's almost over'. I smile at his strength and sincerity... my head agrees with him 100% ... and by this time tomorrow... I'm sure the rest of me (complete with tightly bound, new squishy breasts) will be on the road to feeling the same.

Lisa ox